History Shmistory
by DragonMaiden
Summary: A demented history assessment from a really funny book I forgot the name of. From the mummies of the Sarah Dessert to the Arch-Duck of the First World War... Funny enough to win a Pullet Surprise! I swear, I was in hysterics when I was typing it out.


Alright, let's get the boring stuff over with first:  Please don't take offence to anything in here that might be offensive.  None of it is serious—that's why it's under "Parodies and Spoofs".  I actually came up with very little.  Much of this came from a book, which I forgot the title of.  I didn't even make up the title to this—it came from a Far Side cartoon.  But it's hilarious, all the same, and I hope you enjoy…

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Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies who all wrote in hydraulics.  They lived in the Sarah and traveled by Camelot.  The climate of the Sarah Dessert is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.

The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.  The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.  In the first book, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.  One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.  Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark.  Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it.

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.  Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.  Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.  He died before he ever reached Canada.

David was a Hebrew skilled at playing the liar.  He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.  Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history.  The Greeks invented three kinds of columns—corinthian, ironic, and dorc—and built the Apocalypse.  They also had myths.  A myth is a female moth.

One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable.  Achilles appears in _The Illiad_ by Homer.  Homer also wrote _The Oddity_, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Odysseus endured on his journey.  Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.  After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.  The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands.  There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing.  When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.

Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks.  History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself in the battlefields of Gaul.  The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king.  Dying, he gasped out the words "Tee hee, Brutus."  Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths.  At Roman banquets, the guests were garlics in their hair.  They took two baths in two days, and that's the cause of the fall of Rome.  Today Rome is full of fallen arches.

Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle-aged.  King Alfred conquered the Dames.  King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful maidens.  King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings.  Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.  Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.

In midevil times most people were alliterate.  The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.  During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical creatures.  Another story was about William Tell, who shot an arrow though an apple while standing on his son's head.

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being.  Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.  He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

The government of England was a limited mockery.  From the womb of Henry VIII, Protestantism was born.  He found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."  As a queen she was a success.  When Elizabeth exposed herself before all her troops, they all shouted "hurrah."  Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg invented the Bible.  Another important invention was the circulation of blood.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.  Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.  He never made much money and is only famous because of his plays.  He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.  In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.  His mind is filled with the filth of incestuous sheets, which he pours over every time he sees his mother.  In another play, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.  The proof that the witches in _Macbeth_ were supernatural is that no one could eat what they cooked.

The clown in _As You Like It_ is named Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.  He wrote _Donkey Hote_.  The next great author was Jon Milton, who wrote _Paradise Lost_.  Then his wife died and he wrote _Paradise Regained_.

During the Renaissance America began.  Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.  His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.  Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress.  The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers.  Many people died and many babies were born.  Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea.  Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.  During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls.  The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.  Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm.  He invented electricity by rubbing two cats together backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand."  Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands.  When Lincoln was president, he wore only a tall silk hat.  He said, "In onion there is strength."  Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.  He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.  On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.  The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.  This ruined Booth's career.

Meanwhile, in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.  Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called _Candy_.  Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton.  It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children.  In between, he practiced on an old spinster, which he kept up in his attic.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.  Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.  Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.  He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

France was in a very serious state.  The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon.  During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes.  Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks.  Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.  He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.  Queen Victoria was the longest queen.  She sat on a thorn for 63 years.  She was a moral woman who practiced virtue.  Her reclining years were exemplatory of a great personality.  Her death was the final event that ended her reign.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.  People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.  The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.  Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy.  Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the _Organ of the Species_.  Madman Curie discovered radio.  And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered a new error in the anals of human history.


End file.
